It's just frustrating

Bertholdt could certainly relate to that. He, maybe more than either of his other comrades, understood the meaning of that word. And, even to his own surprise, Bertholdt realized just how similar a feeling he'd had so much recently compared to what Eren was expressing. The sensation of utter helplessness, while those around you simply made choices that served their own self interest, when they could've been a great help.

Perhaps no situation was more apparent for this feeling than when his longtime friend, Marcel Galliard, was devoured before his eyes. Bertholdt could do nothing then. His titan was useless, his affinity for firearms even more so, but his long legs had worked harder than ever before in his life to flee the scene. But Annie and Reiner, as much as he hated pinning the blame for what happened that morning on them, could have saved Marcel. It would've been close, but if they had transformed with their titans, they would've had a moment of opportunity in which they could have killed that titan and saved their one time leader. Alas, no such split-second decisions were made.

"I know how you feel Eren. That the world beyond should be accessible to us. That there shouldn't be killers blocking our path and keeping us from seeing everything the world has to offer. But there are, and... we can't change that. Most people have realized that. We can only make do with what we have. To change the whole world is a seemingly impossible task, nobody wants to be the one to give up what they have, to sacrifice themselves so everyone else can have a better life." Again, none of this was likely what Eren wanted to hear, but Bertholdt couldn't help it. Being pragmatic was simply part of who he was.

"I appreciate that you want to be that change, and you want others to feel the same way as you.. but you just can't."

Bertholdt was fine sitting at Eren's side for a while. What had been originally planned as a tutoring session had soon turned to a discussion of life choices, and no apparently to a counseling session. Bertholdt wasn't quite sure what he'd gotten himself with this boy, but he couldn't very well leave him to sob and cry all by himself in this otherwise empty building. He needed someone right now.

"I know Eren. But.. we can't change what's already happened. I'm sorry about everything you've gone through, I can't even begin to imagine what that day was like for you." He assumed, like most others in Shiganshina, Eren had been transfixed on the giant, skinless head that peered over the wall that evening. Bertholdt's head, in the form of the Colossus. He'd not seen any distinguishable features on any person in the district, but surely Eren had been terrified in that moment. And then, according to the boy himself, that debris from the kicked in gate was what crushed his house, sealing his mother's fate. "Eren, just get it out.." Bertl pat him on the back a few more times, gently, just trying to make sure he was alright.

"I'll.. tell you what Eren. If I don't rank high enough for the MPs, I'll join the Scouts and help you take back our homes." The promise was about as empty as one could be. Bertholdt had no doubt, even being just a few months into the cadet training, that he was going to take one of the spots in the top 40 overall. Annie and Reiner would too, undoubtedly. Their path to the Military Police was all but assured, but Eren didn't need to know that right now.

"Uh... my dad told me something once, a long time ago, when I was a little kid. If someone takes everything you have, they still won't be able to take your tears..." A rather depressing anecdote to tell an adolescent, but an applicable one, nonetheless. "So.. it's okay to cry, and to feel sad. Especially if that's all you can really do."

Eren had already shown himself as heated during this conversation, but until now, he hadn't exactly seemed to be that close to a tipping point. Bertholdt blamed himself for it. A lot of people often didn't want to hear logic when they were discussing something emotional. Bertholdt personally hadn't ever felt that way, it simply wasn't in his character- but it made him feel a little inconsiderate that he hadn't taken such a factor into account when talking to the younger boy.

The tears rolling down Eren's cheeks didn't go unnoticed, and even someone as sin-ridden as Bertholdt could feel bad for him. His parents were both dead, his home was gone, and everything he'd known for his entire life had been upended.

Bertholdt stood up from the table and walked around to the other side, sitting beside the young boy and placing a hand on his back. "I'm sorry..." Not just for being a 'coward', but for what he'd secretly done. Reiner's decision to join the Cadet Corps continued to have lasting effects on them all, especially in the form of increasing the guilt that they already felt. So many of their new comrades had experienced incomparable loss, because of the three of them, and all they could do was stay silent and feel shame and sin.

"It's okay to feel angry."

Though he hadn't expected quite the reaction he got, Bert would be fibbing if he had said he wasn't expecting to irritate Eren with his words. The boy was clearly aiming for the Scouts, and though it was rude, he was just being honest to the younger boy about how the various regiments operated.

I'm going to make the Colossal Titan pay for what it did!

That line made Bert cast his gaze from the window to the floor, wondering how many other people had such vindictive feelings for the Titan that had started all of this? For him? Probably thousands. Every single person who lost a family member in Shiganshina, or in the ensuing aftermath caused by the loss of Wall Maria. When the boy's tirade was finished, Bertholdt leaned forward again resting his own hands on the tabletop as he locked eyes with Eren. "You're right Eren. I know everyone isn't a coward like me, that's why I'm helping you. I won't- can't fight the titans myself. But you can, so I want you to be well prepared."

The intensity in Eren's voice hadn't seemed to quite carry over to the anger in his eyes. It was still there, but nowhere near as heavy as his verbiage. "I am scared of dying Eren. I want to live a long and happy life, and fighting the titans won't really achieve that for me. It might be selfish, but that's just the way it is."

"I guess we'll see then. If you're so confident about it then I look forward to seeing you proven right or wrong." He chuckled once more, shaking his head lightly, still a tad confused as to how either boy could've gotten a hold of such contraband from the outside world.

And then a question came to him on the subject of his own home. Where he came from and his intentions were mostly left untouched in any sort of personal conversations that he chose to indulge in, except for if they included Reiner or Annie. "My home is in Wall Maria, yes. A small village, we never got word about the titan attack, like we told you before. I'd... really like to see my home again, but I think I'm going to head to the Military Police if I can rank high enough." Bert explained, clasping his hands together atop the table and staring at the wooden top for a moment, before staring at Eren again. "But you seem strong enough, Eren. Conviction is something that comes to people naturally, and you have it. I don't.. I think I'm too much of a coward to fight titans head on..." That wasn't entirely untrue. Bert hadn't a desire in the realm of his mind to come anywhere near the titans, even though he invariably had an ace up his sleeve that could always be used if he needed to.

"Plus you have Armin and Mikasa, right? They're smart, talented. They can help you reclaim all of our homes."

Truly, Bertholdt couldn't blame Eren for daydreaming away instead of paying attention in class. For such important military knowledge as they were being bestowed, it really was boring sometimes. But Bertholdt felt it was important to soak in the knowledge, even when the plan was for him, Reiner and Annie to head off to the interior as members of the Military Police after they'd graduated.

I'm no swot like you,

"Hm. Apparently not." He accepted Eren's own jest with a light laugh, rapping his knuckles against the wooden table gently.

For a moment there was silence. Well, it was as silent as could be if they disregarded the crackling fire and the heavy wind blowing just outside the comfort of this structure. "You say, you want to kill all the Titans. For revenge, or to get your home back. But..." Bertholdt trailed off for a few seconds, unsure of whether or not to pull the trigger on the question that had been nagging at the back of his mind for a little while. "What then?"

It seemed that Eren's entire existence revolved around fighting the beasts, in killing them and avenging all of the Paradisians who had died because of the initial attack on Shiganshina. "Will you settle down in the Walls?" Or would he be too curious to need to explore what was beyond the Walls? Bertholdt knew, as did his comrades, but nobody else. At least not anyone that they'd met since arriving on the island.

Bertholdt wasn't so unobservant as to not notice the reddening of Eren's face, in fact, he felt a little bad. Had the younger boy taken his comment about fools in the back to mean him specifically? Certainly, that's not how it was meant. More so he'd tried referring to those like the air-headed Connie, or antagonizing rubes like Jean and Shay.

"Well.. humans have different proportions don't we? My neck is longer than Reiner's, he's bulkier than me, my legs are longer than his, etcetera. Why would it be any different for Titans?" He asked. Hopefully, if he could teach in as effective a strategy as he'd have liked, Eren would believe he was truly learning things, and not just that Bert was telling him the answers to all of his questions.

Some titans were as small as three meters, not much higher up than the roof over their heads, while others towered at fifteen meters. And others still rose higher than the walls themselves. Well- other.

"As for why, I can't really say. I didn't create them, I don't think we'll ever know the answer to that. But that's precisely why you need to know how to handle them. Just because one is taller and fatter than another one doesn't mean it's any less vulnerable to a good slice across the nape. Remember that Eren, all titans have napes, even the abnormal variants."

But that was nothing new. The first lesson they learned in the Titan Physiology class was about the one known weak spot of the beasts. "Now- what other questions have you got for me? We can stay here all night talking if you need to." He had nothing else to do. Reiner was likely off with some new friends, and Annie was... Annie, no doubt cooped up in her dorm so she didn't have to face the frigid outdoors.

To say that the last few months had been stressful would be an understatement in Bertholdt Hoover's mind, to say the least. Joining the Cadet Corps, weathering his first harsh winter on the locked away nation of Paradis, and noticing the beginning cracks in the foundation of his best friend's mentality, he had not been in his happiest mood recently. Still, he was nothing if not patient, able to adapt to the situation as it was needed, and open himself up to the people who were going to be their comrades for what seemed to be at least the next year and a half.

Speaking of which, one particular cadet, a young boy named Eren Jaeger, had begun to form something of an acquaintanceship with Bertholdt. Well, most would call it a friendship, but he still wasn't so certain he wanted to go down that rabbit hole yet. Befriending the people he'd caused so much anguish and pain for? It seemed only a recipe for future disaster.

But here, inside an almost entirely empty classroom, sat the older teen, shrugging off the coat he wore to protect from the cold and the snow that was falling outside. They'd agreed to meet in here, for something of a tutoring session for Eren, who was struggling greatly in.. well, pretty much every class. Against his better judgement, Bertholdt had taken pity, seeing how determined he otherwise was in the face of the seemingly insurmountable odds of graduating from the Corps, he knew the kinder option would be to offer help where he could. And- if Eren was a lost cause, too incapable of learning what he was trying to teach, he could just back out, right? Maybe, but that would require and extra step of initiative that he wasn't so sure he had.

Pulling out one of the chairs before the rows of desks and rolling up the sleeves of his dark grey button up, Bert clasped together his hands and began to patiently wait for the arrival of his tutoring subject. Hopefully he remembered the time they'd agreed on. And the place. And the day...

Ah, he was being too pessimistic, counting Eren out before the challenge had even begun. That was too unfair, something that Annie might do. He could at least give the younger cadet the benefit of the doubt, and wait around for about ten minutes to see if he ever showed up. That was fair- and that was what he decided on. Getting up briefly to bring a lantern from one of the walls to the table he had picked, Bertholdt sat down, and started to count the minutes.